Princess Leia

Leia, Warrior Princess

I was just a kid when Star Wars opened, and I fell in love with Princess Leia. I was, in fact, going to marry her. She was awesome. A princess who could kick ass.

Tough (she stood up to Darth Vader!), beautiful, sassy, honest. Did Leia give up when Vader shows up with an interrogation droid all bristling with needles and stabby things?? Hell NO! After being tortured, she gives Luke the business about being too short to be a Storm Trooper. This is just scant movie moments after she watched her home planet destroyed. Then she puts Han squarely in his place.

Her character devolved slightly in Empire, when she started getting gooey for Han. That's love for you. She gave ol' Lando a hard time, though, because she is tough as nails. And she turned it up a notch in Jedi when she infiltrated Jabba's Palace as a bounty hunter. Brave! Smart! Dedicated to her scoundrel!

Alas, she was captured. Jabba took great pleasure in debasing her as a woman of strength by stripping her down and chaining her to his dais. One of the top rebel leaders literally stripped of her dignity and reduced to chattel. Then she was told she would be forced to watch the love of her life and her fiercest protector (Luke) die a painful death. ... Or NOT! Jabba paid for his folly when SHE KILLED HIM BY HERSELF! With the chain he used to enslave her! Brilliant!

Does she take time off to recuperate? Not Leia. She joins a small group on a high-stakes mission, gets in a high-speed chase, gets knocked out, and gets captured by annoying Ewoks. She is eventually "rescued" so she can successfully complete her mission, despite being badly out-numbered, out-gunned, and out-maneuvered. Did I mention she got shot???

PRINCESS Leia? Ha! WARRIOR Leia! This is someone girls can admire! This is a leader any of us would follow, male or female. This is a HERO.

So why the homage to Leia? Because there's a new Leia action figure available. Everyone born after 1970 knows there has NEVER been a shortage of Star Wars action figures. They range from low-end crap to high-end, near-museum-quality pieces. I am not much of a collector, and I can't afford the really good stuff. So I was pleasantly surprised when I stumbled across Star Wars The Black Series by Hasbro this fall.

This is an astonishing line of action figures. They are highly articulated and highly detailed. They are probably the best action figures I've ever seen, and I GLADLY plunked down 20 bucks multiple times for different figures. So far, the figures have been released in two waves of four figures. Wave One is Luke in his X-Wing flight suit, Darth Maul, a Sand Trooper, and R2-D2. Wave Two is Han Solo, Greedo, Boba Fett (holy crap that is the best toy I've EVER seen) and Leia.

The Leia figure has me MUCH annoyed and wondering WTF the brain trust at Hasbro was thinking.

I imagine the conversation at Hasbro went something like this:

HasBro 1: "We should include a Leia in Wave Two."
HasBro 2: "Absolutely. She is an icon. Great female character."
HasBro 3: "I agree. She's tough, beautiful, sassy, honest. Smart. Dedicated. Brave. Definitely need a Leia in there. She totally deserves it."

HasBro 1: "So, which Leia? Princess, in her white dress? With a blaster?"

HasBro 2: "Meh. What about as Boushh the bounty hunter? We did one of those before, that would be cool."

Hasbro 3: "Maybe. What about in the Hoth uniform from Empire? Tough military leader."

HasBro 1: "Not bad, but what about her jungle gear on Endor?"

HasBro 2: "Endor Leia has merit. Just as long as she has a blaster."

HasBro 3: "What about when's she on Bespin, in Cloud City, killing troopers left and right going after Han and Boba?"

HasBro 4: "Hey dudes, sorry I'm late. What did I miss?"

HasBro 1: "We're trying to come up with a Leia figure."

HasBro 4: "Sweet! I love Leia! She was totally hot in that bikini in Jedi. Me-ow!"

HasBro 2: "She rocked that bikini! You remember that Friends episode with Chandler and Rachel?"

HasBro 3: "Ohmygod. Jennifer Aniston as Slave Leia ..."

HasBro 4: "We should totally do Slave Leia!"

HasBros: "TOTALLY!"

And so they did. Those sons-a-bitches put Slave Leia in Wave Two. The HasBros decided to take the ONLY recognizable female character of the original trilogy and depict her at her lowest point. Not to celebrate her character's strength and resolve, but because Leia in the golden bikini is freakin hot. Which is true, but totally not the point here. Unless she's got that chain wrapped around Jabba's bloated neck, Slave Leia is nothing but a wet dream, fantasy girl. I think some guys like Slave Leia because of the chain, frankly. Sad.

Believe it or not, HasBros, some people who buy action figures actually take them out of the box (if they were smart enough to buy two) and put them in action poses, like these kicking pix from The Fwoosh; these, from a site dedicated to the new figures; and, these from Geekmatic.

Heck some people actually play with them. Or, I don't know, give them to CHILDREN. Like my 8-year-old daughter? Gee, maybe she'd like a female action figure that speaks to strength of character instead of sexuality. And I'll be honest: I want a Leia I can play with. She could banter with Han, take out a few Sand Troopers, kick Greedo's ass. Which begs the question: What are we supposed to do with Slave Leia? What kind of child's imaginary play includes a female character running around in a bikini with a chain around her neck? About the only way to "play" with this figure is to pose her suggestively with Han or one of the other figures. 

Here are some pictures from The Fwoosh of Slave Leia, which pretty much make my argument for me, albeit unintentionally.

As for me, I will not be buying a Slave Leia. I'll hold out for a real "action figure" Leia, not a sex object. Hopefully, the HasBro warehouse will fill up with unsold Slave Leias. To which the former senator and Rebel Alliance leader might say, "Into the garbage chute, flyboy!"